The Cranky Webmaster

It’s election season - please, pass the tranquilizers!

By admin | July 1, 2008

You know the drugs aren’t working as well as they should be when you come across these articles, all posted today by reputable sources, and, after reading them, you feel like repeatedly banging your head against a wall to make the pain go away. I know I must not be sufficiently intoxicated. So I’ll be rummaging about the place looking for something that will knock me out while you folks ponder these gems. To wit:

Obama courts conservatives with new faith program. Pandering to the superstitious in an election year has been a hallmark of American politics seemingly forever, but modern politicians have raised it to an art form, thanks to the likes of Newt Gingrich and his 96 theses colloquially known as “The Contract on America.” Recalling how Jesus told Peter to sheath his sword and not wield it against those who came to arrest him, admonishing Peter that his kingdom was no part of this world, isn’t it amazing how every single pompous, loud-mouthed religious zealot on the news has twisted it around backwards? Back when Jesus was believed to be the messiah it was, “stay out of politics and love thy neighbor.” Now it’s all about getting into politics so our imbecilic leaders can lead crusades in the Middle East, enriching the most lethal and violent SOB’s among us.

But, hey! It’s not as if we think anybody’s watching, or anything. And besides, what possible harm could come from religions getting more involved in government? What? Me learn history? Me no need! Me so smart!

Next, I read On Call Exclusive: Obama Met Privately With Powell At His Office and I’m thinking, maybe I should take up booze. I know General Powell is a fine soldier and a real company man. Admirable traits when the cause is noble. Not so splendid when you’re dealing with the likes of the Dalton gang in the White House. We all wish he’d spoken out sooner about the insanity he witnessed (and got entangled in when he pleaded our case before the United Nations and the world). Still, he had the good sense to leave the Bush League soon after he became convinced he was lied to and conned, just as our brilliant, honest and trustworthy newscasters were.

They were conned, weren’t they? Fox and CNN would never mislead us on the basis of propaganda, would they? Gee, I think I’m starting to get a good buzz on.

Of course, when you’re a politician generating news guaranteed to cause many supporters to contemplate how peaceful life might be if we could quickly terraform Mars (and get there before any politician did), you may as well get the really controversial stuff out of the way while everyone’s distracted. I’m referring to Gen. Wesley Clark, whose opinion about Senator McCain’s military service and its relevance to office became blog fodder. OpenLeft posted the article, Moveon Backs Clark, which, coupled with Gen. Clark won’t back off critique of McCain and McCain has U.S. politics in mind as he visits Colombia, Mexico had me shaking in my boots, until I realized that was just the anti-depressants kicking in. Apparently, it’s unfashionable these days to criticize a Republican candidate’s pension for propping himself up with exaggerated claims of personal heroism. Getting captured and held as a prisoner of war is awful. Being tortured while captive is terribly sadistic treatment to undergo (and we ought to know, being experts in the subject, thanks to the Daltons). But it is not heroic to be shot down, captured and tortured and does not in any way qualify one to be President of the United States of America - which is what McCain is using his military service of 30 years ago to try to help himself become. It’s sad, really.

Not that McCain’s minions deserve any less press than their fearless leader (or Wesley Clark, for that matter). Except for the tiny detail that Wesley Clark was making a valid point, while McCain’s droid is apparently brain-dead, they are exactly the same, right? The headline, McCain Adviser Absurdly Claims President Bush Opposed The Surge, got me to thinking - are we nuts or has there been a fluctuation in the space-time continuum? And if either is so, why am I still conscious? Can I get a little Xanax, here? Is there a doctor in the house? But, then, I realize it’s not just us. Here’s a quote for the ages from the “McCain has U.S. politics in mind” article:

“The visit by Senator McCain demonstrates that we exist and are important for the United States,” said Ricardo Tribin, the president of the Colombian-American Chamber of Commerce in Miami. “It’s a magnificent gesture by Senator McCain.”

Rest assured, Senor Tribin. We all know Colombia exists. Americans have processed, smoked, snorted and, who knows how many other ways, ingested your country’s fine products for generations upon generations. Magnificent Senator McCain was certainly not alone in recognizing the importance of Colombia in the highly lucrative American drug wars. Gracias, amigos. Gracias.

Thanks to George of the Bungle, we’re trillions of dollars in debt with no relief in sight, are internationally despised, have skyrocketing fuel prices, plummeting home values and a roller-coaster stock market. What great fun! Still, we have the finest security grid known to man, to hear politicians tell it. Why, they’ve stopped the evil villain, Boy George, dead in his tracks. Sort of like Martha Stewart and England, but in reverse. Boy George Officially Cancels Tour As Can’t Get US Visa blared the headline from the Hufffington Post. Hooray! We’re all safe from this guy:
Americans still safe from this man

But all is not lost. Democracy, or whatever it is that passes for a government in Iraq, marches on! The riotous good news from the battlefront is, Alcohol is flowing again in Baghdad! So, let me get this straight. Along with weapons arsenals, lots of ammunition, limited air conditioning, extremely hot weather, cars that break down a lot, roadside bombs, generations of animosity, a foreign military occupation and all of the joys it brings, death squads, internecine warfare and now, thanks to God, Allah or the Tooth Fairy, are you telling me Iraqis are now adding booze to the mix?

We really didn’t have a post-war plan, did we? They shouldn’t have had to endure all of that crap while sober.

Undaunted by the realities on the ground, the 2008 presidential election marches on. Polls are about as useful as warts this early in the campaign season, and so far my favorite is this one: CNN poll: Obama, McCain in a statistical dead heat. After everything that’s happened over the past 8 years, you’re telling me Senator McSame is in a dead heat with Senator Yes We Can? Ha ha ha ha ha ha… I think I’m going to cry.

Searching for some sort of pharmacological relief from the lunacy of the universe I’m captive in, I staggered to my computer and discovered that the 3-foot tall gnome with a purple alien inside his head, both of whom I’ve been arguing with while writing this missive, was right, all along! Magic mushrooms are good for you! Study finds long benefit in illegal mushroom drug. So there, Mom and Dad. Put that in your bong and smoke it.

The purple alien demands a shoulder-fired RPG launcher, and two shots of Tequila. He says he has a faith-based initiative to discuss with Generals Powell and Clark.

Say goodnight, Gracie.

…Cranky.